my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
