My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
i now understand why vodka
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
