You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
