She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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