After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
