Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
