I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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