So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
