So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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