i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
