Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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