I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
