Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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