Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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