he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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