Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
