I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
