Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
