When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
