I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
