dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Be still, my beating vagina.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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