we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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