I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
