worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
