Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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