Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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