you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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