my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
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