i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Randomize
