Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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