Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
