12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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