Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
i've created a new STD.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
