just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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