What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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