Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
