Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
It's just like the Real World with babies
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
