i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
