I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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