My friends, they love my intelligence
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
