i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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