why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
