I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
