Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
