My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
