I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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