I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
