I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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