The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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