my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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